LIGHTS UP on a stage. Vaudeville music begins playing, and plays throughout the scene. BUD and JOE dance out together. They are wearing top hats, holding canes, and generally acting in a vaudevillian manner. You know...
BUD: Hey Joe, what do ya know?
JOE: I just got back from a vaudeville show!
BUD: I’m glad I caught you, buddy! I need some advice.
JOE: Anything for a pal!
BUD: I’m looking for a gift for my girlfriend’s birthday.
JOE: Are you talking about the one with the really big-
BUD: No, no. Not her. I mean the one with the really small-
JOE: Oh, right right right. Well how’s about you get her one of those nice, lacy-
BUD: Naw, naw. She’s not into that kinda thing. That’s a little too revealing.
JOE: Well how about a big ol’-
BUD: Ha! Not revealing enough. Wait! What if I got her one of those-
JOE: You’re too broke to afford that!
BUD: You don’t even know how much money I have!
JOE: Yes I do, you can’t have more than-
BUD: Dammit! You got it. Okay, okay. Well how about this. What if we put on some ski masks and-
JOE: Okay, we can do that. But you need to be prepared if it gets messy.
BUD: Oh yeah? Like how?
JOE: Well we might need to shoot the teller in the-
BUD: Oh man!
JOE: And then we gotta turn the gun around and just-
BUD: Oh my god!
JOE: And then I gotta take my foot and stick it-
BUD: No! That is not at all what I meant!
JOE: Look, I’m just trying to help you out.
BUD: Okay, um…let’s start over. We can get in the car, wait until it’s dark, and then-
JOE: Are you nuts?
BUD: What-what do you mean?
JOE: I mean, are you nuts? That’s a little girl, Joe! A little GIRL. And you wanna just-
BUD: Okay, first of all, I didn’t say anything like that. If I did something like that…that’s a line that I can’t cross, alright? If I cross that line, I’d just end up-
JOE: Why would you end up doing that? I don’t even like strawberry cake!
BUD: What the hell are you even talking about?!? I’m only talking about-
JOE: Well I don’t know why you’d think he’s our greatest president…
BUD suddenly clamps JOE’s mouth shut with his hand.
BUD: I THOUGHT WE COULD PUT ON SKI MASKS! AND THEN GET SOME MONEY FROM THE ATM! AND THEN WE COULD PRETEND TO ROB HER AND GIVE HER MONEY INSTEAD OF TAKING IT AWAY! IT’S A REVERSE ROBBERY!
BUD lets go of JOE’s mouth.
JOE: A reverse robbery? That’s a stupid idea.
BUD: Well it’s better than robbing a bank and/or kidnapping some girl!
JOE: And killing her.
JOE: You know, you’re not a very good listener.
BUD: Why I oughta!!
JOE and BUD dance off stage. LIGHTS DOWN.