LIGHTS UP on two people. CUSTOMER is seated STAGE RIGHT talking to SALESMAN, seated STAGE LEFT, on the phone.
SALESMAN: Alright sir, we’re gonna get these knives sent to your house, but I’m gonna need to get some personal information first.
CUSTOMER: No prob.
SALESMAN: So what is your name?
CUSTOMER: Oh, my name is *coughs*
SALESMAN: I’m sorry sir, what was that?
CUSTOMER: Sorry bout that, my name is *coughs*
SALESMAN: Um…one more time?
CUSTOMER: My name is *phone static noise*
SALESMAN: You know what? You mind if you just spell your name for me?
CUSTOMER: No prob. The first letter is D.
SALESMAN: You said B?
SALESMAN: Got it.
SALESMAN: Ok, so your name is Bem? Is that right?
CUSTOMER: Oh, god no. Way off.
SALESMAN: Wait, what?
CUSTOMER: My name isn’t Bem. That name is weird.
SALESMAN: Okay, maybe I heard it wrong. what I’ve got here is B as in Boy, E as in Ego, and M as in Mom.
CUSTOMER: All wrong.
SALESMEN: All right, let me know where I messed up.
CUSTOMER: The first letter is D as in Doy.
SALESMAN: Yeah, I said that. B as in Boy.
CUSTOMER: No, D as in Doy! DOY!
SALESMAN: Are you saying Doy?
CUSTOMER: Yes, exactly!
SALESMAN: Oookay. D as in…Doy. You know how this usually works is that you’re supposed to use common words so it is easy to tell what the first letter is?
CUSTOMER: I’m sorry. I’m a literary professor and I know a lot of words.
SALESMAN: But Doy isn’t even an actual word.
CUSTOMER: Yes, Doy is a word. Like “Are you stupid or something? Doy?”
SALESMAN: Let’s move on. Next I’ve got E as in Ego.
CUSTOMER: No, it’s T as in Tony.
SALESMAN: P as in Pony?
CUSTOMER: T as in Tony!
SALESMAN: Tony? That’s a name, that’s not a word.
CUSTOMER: I’m sorry, what’s that award that they give to people who excel in the theater arts? What’s that award again? It’s like, a Broadway award?
SALESMAN: …a Tony.
SALESMAN: And last I’ve got M as in Mom.
CUSTOMER: No, it’s N as in Nom.
SALESMAN: See? You said Mom.
CUSTOMER: No, I said Nom! Nom!
SALESMAN: I’ve never heard that in my life.
CUSTOMER: Don’t be silly. When a rabbit eats lettuce he says “Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom!”
SALESMAN: That’s a sound effect, not a word!
CUSTOMER: Sounds like a man who has yet to embrace the beauty of language.
SALESMAN: Alright! So the first three letters of your name are D-T-N?
SALESMAN: The first part of your name is “Dtn?”
CUSTOMER: It makes more sense in the context of the rest of my name.
SALESMAN: Okay, that’s fine sir. Why don’t you spell out the rest of your name and I’ll just write it down.
CUSTOMER: That would be great. The next letter is K as in Knot.
SALESMAN: K as in Knot? “Not” starts with a N.
CUSTOMER: Oh, I’m sorry, what’s that thing that you use to tie your shoes? When you have to make your shoelace into a…what was that again?
SALESMAN: A knot.
SALESMAN: …next letter, please.
CUSTOMER: P as in Pfeiffer.
SALESMAN: …P as in Pfeiffer? That’s Michelle Pfeiffer’s last name. Pfeiffer?
CUSTOMER: You got it.
SALESMAN: Keep going.
CUSTOMER: V as in V.
SALESMAN: You…you just said the letter again.
CUSTOMER: Yes, but it refers to that mini-series on television. The one with the alien invasion?
SALESMAN: Sir, I haven’t even heard a vowel in this name yet-
CUSTOMER: And the last letter is I as in Intelligent Design.
SALESMAN: I as in-
CUSTOMER: As in not evolution? Because evolution is fundamentally flawed? Doy?
SALESMAN: STOP SAYING DOY!
A beat. SALESMAN composes himself.
SALESMAN: So that’s your name?
CUSTOMER: Yes. Finally!
SALESMAN: So your first name is Dtnkpvi?
CUSTOMER: Right-o! Dtnkpvi Smith at your service.
SALESMAN: You know we sell knives here? You know that, Mr. Smith?
CUSTOMER: Yes. That’s what I’m buying.
SALESMAN: You know I dream about knives every night at this point? Last night, in fact, I dreamt that I grabbed the wooden handle of a Smithson steak-focused cooking knife and killed a man named Ravadam.
CUSTOMER: Wow, that sounds like a hate crime.
A long pause.
SALESMAN: Alright, I've got a confirmation code for you sir. You ready to write it down?
CUSTOMER: Got it!
SALESMAN and CUSTOMER spell the code out a couple more times.
SALESMAN: Why don't you read that aloud for me.
CUSTOMER: Durin Kimmy Cume? That's my wife's name!