FRANK sits by himself in the middle of the stage. He is holding a CELL PHONE.
FRANK (to wife, offstage): Shut up for a second, baby, I’m gonna call that cereal hotline…It’s a CEREAL hotline; I think they might be selling Fruit Brute…FRUIT BRUTE…It’s a fruit cereal with fruit flavored-look, it’s really good, and you’re gonna eat it! Well, you’re gonna eat it or you can eat a dick, how bout’ that? Jeez, woman!
FRANK dials the number.
COMPUTER: Hello, and welcome to cereal phone. This is the cereal menu. For Rice Krispies, press one. For Honey Comb, press two. For Corn Pops, press three. For Honey Smacks, press four. For Honey Pops, press five. For Corn Smacks, press six. For Frosted Flakes, press seven. For Rice Comb, press eight. For My Comb, press nine. For Fruit-
COMPUTER: -Loops, press ten. For Honey Rice Corn, press eleven. For Krispy Smacks, press twelve. For Murder Flakes, press thirteen. For Frosted Balls, press fourteen. For Fruit-
COMPUTER: -y Pebbles, press fifteen. For Cannibal Crunch, press sixteen. For Cinnamon Toast Crunch, press seventeen. For Blueberry Morning, press eighteen. For Blackberry Funeral, press nineteen. For I know your address and name, Frank Wilkins, and I will eat your soul…Cheerios, press twenty. For Fruit-
FRANK: Fruit Brute?
FRANK: Goddammit, FRUIT BRUTE?
COMPUTER: Teeeeeeeeh, press twenty one.
FRANK: Yes! Twenty One!
COMPUTER: Fruit Brute: The cereal for gays. A breakfast favorite of male homosexuals, commonly eaten before entering into the practice of kissing another man with tongue for long periods of time. Press one to order. Press two to be straight.
FRANK: So now I’m gay if I order the cereal? Bullshit, dude! One!
FRANK presses one.
COMPUTER: Congratulations on your change in orientation, Mister Wilkins. Or should I say, Mister Gay Wilkins, as we have now legally changed your name to reflect your cereal order. We’ll be sending you a box of Fruit Brute in the mail, along with a free trial copy of “Man Ass Monthly.” Thank you for your order. Have a nice day.
FRANK (to wife, offstage): Honey, bad news: No sex tonight…I’m gay…No, I said I’m GAY…Yes, you still have to eat the cereal!