LIGHTS UP on MEREDITH, sitting in a chair. BRYAN enters. There are a series of signs sitting STAGE RIGHT. These signs will be used to indicate what day it is.
MEREDITH: Hey, how was the doctor?
BRYAN: Fine. He said I’m allergic to dairy.
MEREDITH: Oh, that explains a lot, Farty McMilkFart.
MEREDITH: So you’re gonna quit eating dairy?
BRYAN: Yeah. Shouldn’t be a big deal. No milk? Whatevs. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time I drank milk.
MEREDITH: It was today. On your cereal.
BRYAN: Well, not anymore.
MEREDITH: Ok, sounds good.
BRYAN: I’m gonna go get some ice cream out of the fridge, you want anything?
MEREDITH: You can’t eat ice cream.
BRYAN: What’s that, now?
MEREDITH: Ice cream is dairy. You know that, right?
BRYAN’s eyes dart around wildly.
LIGHTS UP on BRYAN and MEREDITH.
BRYAN: Hey, I’m gonna order some pizza, you want anything?
MEREDITH: You can’t order pizza, that’s dairy.
BRYAN: How exactly is that dairy? It’s just bread and meats and-
BRYAN: Cheese isn’t dairy!
MEREDITH: Where do you think cheese comes from?
MEREDITH: It comes from cows!
BRYAN: Are you fucking lying to me right now? You’re fucking lying to me for fun?
MEREDITH: Why do you think there are pictures of cows on it?
BRYAN: Because cows are the happiest animals on Earth, which is how I feel when I eat cheese!
MEREDITH: Well, you can’t have cheese. Why don’t you try a cheese substitute?
BRYAN: What’s a cheese substitute?
MEREDITH: It’s a non-dairy substitute, that you eat instead of cheese…it’s self-explanatory!
BRYAN: I mean, like what, you dick!
MEREDITH: I mean like vegan cheese.
BRYAN: That’s disgusting! I’m not fucking…Ghandi!
MEREDITH: There’s so much wrong with what you just said.
BRYAN: There’s so much wrong with your FACE!
BRYAN’s head shakes uncontrollably.
LIGHTS UP on BRYAN and MEREDITH. BRYAN looks upset. MEREDITH brings BRYAN food.
MEREDITH: Alright, honey. Here’s a fruit plate.
BRYAN: Oh…that’s cool…oh man, you know what would be good on this?
MEREDITH: Okay, first of all, ew. Secondly, BUTTER! IS! DAIRY!
BRYAN: IS EVERYTHING DAIRY EVER?!? This is impossible! There’s no way to avoid dairy!
MEREDITH: There are millions of people who have to avoid dairy every day because they’re lactose intolerant.
BRYAN: Well this may sound unfair, but those people should choose to take their own lives!
MEREDITH: What? Are you saying that you’d rather die than not eat dairy?
BRYAN: Yes! I’d rather jump off of an AIDS building into a pit of flesh-eating virus acid than not eat dairy. BUTTER? NOT EVEN BUTTER IS SAFE?
MEREDITH: Listen. Look. Listen. I think you need help.
BRYAN: Yes…yes I do. Let me suck milk out of your titty.
MEREDITH: What? No!
BRYAN: It’s human milk! That makes it okay!
MEREDITH: There are so many things wrong with what you are saying.
BRYAN: Did you ever love me?!?!?
MEREDITH: I’m gonna go call someone.
BRYAN: No! Don’t leave me! Open your titty to me!
LIGHTS UP on BRYAN, sitting alone. MEREDITH enters wearing a DAFT PUNK MASK, carrying a half-gallon of milk.
BRYAN: Yes, Satan?
MEREDITH: Bryan, you’re hallucinating.
BRYAN: Nice try, devil. You’ve come for the daily milkening?
MEREDITH: Milkening? What is a milkening?
MEREDITH rubs the carton of milk erotically on BRYAN’s mouth.
BRYAN: You’re doing it now! Just kill me! Put me out of my misery!
MEREDITH: Look, you don’t wanna die. Tonight we’re gonna have beans and rice.
BRYAN: Oh man, if you put some sour cream on it-
MEREDITH: THAT’S DAIRY!
BRYAN: FUCK YOU!
BRYAN snatches the milk from MEREDITH and furiously drinks it.
MEREDITH: Bryan, you just drank the dog’s ear medicine!
LIGHTS UP on BRYAN and MEREDITH. MEREDITH sits in a chair and BRYAN stands behind her, holding a BUTTER KNIFE.
MEREDITH: Hey, you know I have to work late tomorrow, right?
BRYAN: (monotone) No, my dear wife…I was not aware…but now I am aware…I love you so much…
BRYAN licks the knife.
MEREDITH: Aw, I love you too…sweetie.
BRYAN: Now we can be together…forever.
BRYAN holds the knife up to MEREDITH’s throat.
MEREDITH: You know that’s a butter knife, right?