LIGHTS UP on MAN and WOMAN. They are sitting on a couch, presumably watching TV.
MAN: So you wanna have sex?
WOMAN: Eh, not really.
MAN: Yeah you do.
WOMAN: No, I really don’t.
MAN: Look…look and listen. I understand.
WOMAN: Understand what?
MAN: Usually when we do it, I’ll admit that I’m a little selfish, you know? But that ends tonight, alright? It’s time to fulfill your fantasy.
WOMAN: My fantasy?
MAN: (half-singing) Come awn, time to do your fantasy, now let me touch your head, it’s your fantasy to let me touch your head and your hair.
WOMAN: What? Get off me! Why would letting you touch my head be a fantasy? You know how hard it is to get my hair to sit like this!
MAN: That’s ’cause it’s yo secret fantasy. Come here.
WOMAN: Stop that! Jesus! You don’t know anything at all about my fantasies, do you?
MAN: Come on, yes I do! We’ve been married for five years. I know them all!
WOMAN: Name one.
MAN: Alright. Me…in a suit…and a top hat and here I come, touching on ya titteh.
WOMAN: Wow, try again.
MAN: Alright, alright…you’re the woman in “The Notebook” and I’m Ryan Gosling…aaand I’m picking you up and kissing you in the rain.
WOMAN: Oh man.
MAN: And then we’re the old couple and we remember when we were the young couple and then we fuck and die the next day. Fantasy. Get your fantasy on.
WOMAN: Ugh, that’s what happens in “The Notebook?”
MAN: I…don’t want to admit that I’ve seen “The Notebook” so let’s just change it up. Okay, I’m a knight-
MAN: -I’m a night riding a dragon, and I come in and save you from a tower of fire, and I take off my mask and I’m Ryan Gosling and we get it. We get it on some dragon back. Feel the scales on your booty.
WOMAN: Why do you keep saying that you’re Ryan Gosling?
MAN: Cause’ that’s what you want! You want Ryan Gosling cause’ all women want Ryan Gosling and I’m trying to be Ryan Gosling.
WOMAN: You know what, it sounds more like it’s your fantasy to be Ryan Gosling. Is that what’s going on?
MAN: No, no, no. In my fantasy-okay, have you ever seen “Drive?”
WOMAN: With Ryan Gosling?
MAN: Yes, but I’m Bryan Cranston and you’re Ryan Gosling.
WOMAN: Oh good lord.
MAN: And I’m hobbling around in my garage and then you come fix my car and we fuck in the back seat of the car, alright?
WOMAN: Alright? Alright?! Are you joking with me right now?!
MAN: Hey! just told you my fantasy! I just opened up to you and you throw it back in my face?
WOMAN: You wanna know what my fantasy is? Not coming home to a man who constantly tries to get in my pants because he thinks I resemble Ryan Gosling.
MAN: You don’t resemble Ryan Gosling, that’s what makes it a fantasy!
MAN: (stuttering)…Wait, let me rephrase that…I mean that…you are hot…like Ryan Gosling is hot…but only in the sense that you’re like the Ryan Gosling of women…so. You don’t look like a man.
WOMAN: You look like a woman.
MAN: …a hot woman?
WOMAN: You look like…Meg Ryan…had a baby…with Stephen Hawking.
WOMAN: Oh, oh, let me rephrase that. You are a strange and effeminate little man, and I’m concerned that you may be a closet homosexual.
MAN: You know what, here! Let’s get divorced right now.
MAN pulls out a piece of paper and PEN.
WOMAN: You carry divorce papers around with you?
MAN: At a time like this, it seems perfectly reasonable!
WOMAN: Oh, oh, fine!
WOMAN takes the pen from man and signs it. She then begins quivering, hunched over.. She gives it to MAN. He quickly signs the paper.
WOMAN: Oh, god. Oh yeah! This is my fantasy!