LIGHTS UP on LUBU, MER, KYLE, and BEN sitting around a table. QUINN, as a waiter, passes out BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE, then leaves forever.
KYLE: Thanks for the Cristal, waiter bitch! It’s gonna be good as hell
BEN: Yeah, ya’ll. Nothing like a good bottle of Cristal to get fucked up with. Isn’t that right, Lady Buckwild?
MER: Aye, it’ll get me right fucked up tonight.
LUBU: Who would’a thought ten years ago that we, as some of the most successful white rappers in the world, would be sitting here in the hottest club in New York drinking Cristal straight outta the bottle. Because, as we’ve made painfully clear on all of our albums, we have come from nothing and now are the top of the game.
KYLE: True that, man. I remember when I could barely afford a bottle of regular wine.
BEN: A bottle of warm wine.
LUBU: Yup. Without grapes or alcohol.
MER: Or wine.
KYLE: And out of a cracked bottle at that.
LUBU: Yeah well we never even had a bottle. We had to drink it out of a rolled-up newspaper.
BEN: Yeah, well guess what? We had to suck the wine out of a damp cloth.
MER: You know, sometimes I think we were happier then, even though we were poor.
KYLE: Because we were poor. There’s a freedom to it, ya’ll. Money doesn’t bring you happiness. Just lots and lots of drugs…and fuckin’. And drugs.
LUBU: That’s right, that’s right. You know I was happier then. What we did, we had to live in a little wooden house, and there were holes all up in the roof.
BEN: Oh man, that’s practially Gangnam style! We didn’t have a house. We had a room. Thirty-three of us all in one room. Half the floor was missing, so we were all crammed in one corner of the room cause’ if any of us fell off, we’d get cancer right away, sucka!
MER: You were lucky to have a room. We had to live in corridor.
KYLE: What the fuck is corridor?
MER: It’s a hallway.
KYLE: Fuck you, you richie-rich ass bitch! I used to dream of living in a hallway. We had to live in the frozen seafood section of the H.E.B.! I had to wake up every morning with tillapia on my face and shrimp between my toes! But good for you that you got to live in a house!
LUBU: Yeah, well I failed to mention that our house was made entirely out of old-ass shoes!
BEN: Fuckin’ so what? We got evicted from our room and they forced us to go live in the lake!
MER: You were lucky to have a lake. We had to move in with a hundred and fifty other guys…into a used diaper in middle of road.
KYLE: A used diaper?
MER: That’s right.
KYLE: You lucky mother fucker! We lived for three months inside the carcass of a tauntaun in the middle of liposuction clinic’s medical waste dump. Every morning at six we’d have to get up, clean out the carcass, and eat a crust of stale bread. Then we’d have to work fourteen hours at the car factory, day in day out for fifty cents a week. Then we’d go home and dad would slap us to sleep with his belt.
BEN: That…is fucking…bougie. We used to get up at three in the morning, clean out the lake, eat a handful of packing peanuts, then we’d work at the paper mill for twenty hours a day, making a quarter a month. Then we’d get home and dad would beat us all in the head and neck with a broken bottle. If we were lucky!
MER: Luxe, ya’ll. Luxe. WE had it tough. I had to get out of the diaper at midnight, lick road clean, and work twenty-three hours a day at the vomit factory for FREE! And when we got home, dad used to slice us in half with a butter knife.
LUBU: Well then…I am honored to be sitting here with the three Kardashian sisters! We used to get in in the morning at 11:00 at night. half an hour before we went to bed. We drank POISON! We worked twenty-nine hours a day at the piss store. They paid us in PISS! And each night when we got home dad would pull out our eyes and fuck our dead skulls!
Everyone sits back and takes a long swig of Cristal.
KYLE: But you try telling that to the media. Do they believe you?
ALL: Hell no!
Lights SLOWLY FADE.