LIGHTS up on JOHN watching television by himself. It is raining outside, as evidenced by THUNDER SFX.
JOHN: Ha ha ha! That’s not how you discipline a child, Madea!
There is suddenly a knock at the door.
JOHN: Whoa-ho! Who could that be?
JOHN gets up and answers the door. CARL stands on the other side of it. He is soaking wet from walking in the rain. In his hand he holds a crumpled up piece of paper.
JOHN: Oh, hey Carl!
CARL (through clenched teeth): Hello, John.
JOHN: Wow, it must be raining outside.
CARL takes a moment to process this comment, and swallows a mouthful of rage. The rage gets stuck in his throat slightly, but he is able to keep it down
JOHN: So how are you doin’, Carl?
CARL: Your E-mail account has been hacked.
JOHN: Whatever do you mean, old chum?
CARL: I mean that I’ve been getting E-mails all day from you about (reads from paper) “Your alien magazine subscription is ready.” “I am Nigerian Prince and I need Moneys now.” “Large penis medicine delivered under cover of night.”
JOHN: Carl, you’re my friend. My best friend. How could you think that I would do anything to hurt you?
CARL: I don’t, but you’ve got to do something about this! I keep getting notified every time a receive an E-mail and they are all stupid!
JOHN: Hey, these E-mails aren’t stupid!
CARL (looking at paper): My robot sings like Bing Crosby. And I swear the new version won’t beat your children!
JOHN: These are opportunities. I’m sending you opportunities.
CARL: What are you, my goddamn aunt Barb? You don’t know how to protect your E-mail account? Just because I don’t have a job right now doesn’t mean I need to hear about (looks at paper) “New fart invention needs your investment!”
JOHN: That fart invention could be really big one day!
CARL: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT DOES TO FARTS!
JOHN: Farts are already so negative that anything done to them would have to be positive.
CARL: Okay, so you’re telling me you sent me this crap on purpose?
JOHN: Yes! I thought you’d like it!
CARL: Of course. Fucking typical.
JOHN: What’s typical about it?
CARL: This is just another example of the lack of respect you have for me. Right? That you think so little of me that you think that I could benefit from contacting someone who is (looks at paper) “Suffering from cancer and dying, who needs the benefit of time travel.” Time travel doesn’t exist!
JOHN: But you could invent it! That could be your new job.
CARL: Oh, yes, of course! I’m also just magically able to improve my life based on this picture of a woman humping a stuffed whale, along with the text “you know you’ve always wanted to.”
JOHN: Hey…calm down, alright? I’m just trying to help you.
CARL: You know I tell people you aren’t an asshole. That’s right. Before I let people meet you for the first time I tell them “Hey, this guy may seem like an asshole, but he’s not. He’s just stupid. Almost unbelievably stupid. So keep that in mind before you have any words with him. And if you accept that fact, you’ll see that he’s a decent guy.” And now this-
JOHN: Yes! Now this!
CARL: Yeah! Now (looks at paper) “here is the door open for you for laundering to any amount of money that you needed or desire to achieve your pimping goals and expectations.” Good for me!
Suddenly, there is another knock on the door. CARL hangs his head, exhausted. JOHN answers the door. There is a NIGERIAN PRINCE behind it.
NIGERIAN PRINCE (presenting cashier’s check): Hello. I have finally survived raft boat and made it to America Land. Here is cashier’s check good Christian man.
JOHN (taking cashier’s check): Thank you, Reginald.
THUNDER SFX. A beat.
CARL: Are you shitting me?
JOHN: Fucking typical, Carl. You are incapable of accepting good will from people. There’s always an angle with you, isn’t there?
NIGERIAN PRINCE: You are intensely right, John. I need helps. After military overthrow my power is flaccid. Man of excellent goodness and girth assist me out of the bad news situation. You judge? You must be arrested for insolence acting.
JOHN: So…I think someone owes someone here a little apology.
CARL takes a good long while to process what he has just seen.
CARL: John…I’m…I’m sorry…that you think I’m a sucker!
Suddenly, CARL pulls out a LARGE KNIFE and DRIVES IT INTO THE STOMACH OF NIGERIAN PRINCE. NIGERIAN PRINCE does not react at all.
CARL: You’re not gonna pull one over on me with a robot.
JOHN: That’s alright, ’cause check this out.
JOHN SNAPS HIS FINGERS. Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” begins to play and the robot lip-syncs to it.
CARL: Well, I’ll be damned.
JOHN: Merry Christmas, buddy.
A beat. CARL sighs and puts his arm around JOHN.
CARL: Merry Christmas, John.
NIGERIAN PRINCE: Shut up, childs!
NIGERIAN PRINCE takes off his belt and whips JOHN and CARL repeatedly. LIGHTS DOWN.