LIGHTS UP on the inside of a LUNAR LANDER. Astronauts WALDRON and EVERS are sitting in the lander, extremely close to each other. and are both communicating with CONTROL on their lander radio.
WALDRON: Hey, Houston, that may have seemed like a very long final phase. The Auto targeting was taking us right into a football-field-sized crater, with a number of big boulders and rocks for about one or two crater diameters around it, and it required us going in P66 and flying manually over the rock field to find a reasonably good area.
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): Roger. Copy. Sounds good to us, Tranquility. We’ll let you press on through the simulated countdown, and we’ll talk to you later. Over.
WALDRON turns off the radio. Many moments go by as WALDRON and EVERS turn various knobs and switches.
EVERS: So are we going to talk about last night?
WALDRON: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
EVERS: Oh…so that’s how you feel.
WALDRON: Listen, I need to complete this checklist in the next five minutes-
EVERS: No, no, I get it.
WALDRON: -because if I don’t, then we may die. Because we’re on the moon. Remember how we’re on the moon?
EVERS: So you can’t spend a little time clearing up what last night did to our relationship?
WALDRON: We don’t have a relationship. We’re astronauts. That’s our relationship. Two astronauts.
EVERS: I think we should tell our wives.
WALDRON: You’d better not do that, Evers.
EVERS: And what are you going to do if I don’t?
WALDRON: I’m going to tell everyone you got space madness.
EVERS: Is that what being gay is to you? Space madness?
WALDRON: Whatever happened between us, it wasn’t gay, alright?
EVERS: I think one day, when someone writes “The History of Gay,” The things we did last night are going to be a whole chapter.
WALDRON: No. No. Because it’s in space, so it doesn’t count.
EVERS: It counts wherever you do it, Waldron.
WALDRON: Not in space. Or jail.
EVERS: This isn’t jail!
WALDRON: Oh, it’s not jail? Well then let me just open this door and walk home if its not jail.
EVERS: Don’t be childish.
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): Uh, this is Control here. You’re still on vox.
WALDRON: Excuse me?
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): We’ve all heard everything you’ve been talking about.
WALDON: What? I thought I turned that damn radio off!
EVERS: What a relief! I’m so glad we got it off our chest.
WALDRON: My god.
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): It’s alright, Tranquility. We’ve whipped up some procedures down here for you guys that should get you out of this jam.
WALDON: We’re ready when you are, Control.
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): Waldron, tell Evers that you love him as a colleauge, and that last night was wonderful, but you’ve got a family to think about.
WALDRON: Evers, I love you as a colleauge, and last night was wonderful, but you’ve-I’ve…got a family. To think about.
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): Alright, now Evers, you tell Waldron that you’ll always cherish your time together.
EVERS: Waldron, I’ll always cherish our time together.
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): Alright, now you guys are gonna hug, and after that-oop, hold on a second, Tranquility…yup, we’ve recieved word from the president. The Earth is about to explode.
EVERS: Could you repeat, Houston?
CONTROL (OFFSTAGE): That’s an affirm. The Earth is about to explode. Good night, boys.
Somewhere in the distance, the EARTH EXPLODES. There is a long silence.
WALDRON: Oh my god….our families…..
EVERS: Yeah…..wanna fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?
A BEARDED NARRATOR enters stage right. WALDRON and EVERS FREEZE.
NARRATOR: And fuck they did. After this, they decided not to die. In time, their progeny, created through the gay science discovered in the lunar lander by Evers and Waldron, would come to populate the moon, eventually creating gay schools, gay governments, and gay faster-then-light travel. This has been “The History of Gay: Episode Five.”