LIGHTS UP on Bryan onstage in a spot light, holding a phone. We hear him dialing and the phone ringing. BRANDY answers the phone. She is offstage.
BRANDY: Hey, Stud. Thanks for calling Brandy’s Sexy Girls. I’m Brandy, and I can’t waitto connect you to a hot, slutty, sexy girl. Please choose from the following options, and I’ll get the party started foronly$3.95perminuteplustaxeswhereapplicable.
BRANDY: Press one for a Sexy Nurse. Press two for a Sexy Masseuse. Press three for a Sexy Cop. Press four for a Sexy Ophthalmic Surgeon.
BRYAN: Ohh, that one sounds kinky.
BRYAN presses the button. DOCTOR is heard on the other end of the phone. She is offstage.
DOCTOR: This is Dr. Roberts.
BRYAN: Uh, hi Dr. Roberts. I’m Bryan.
DOCTOR: Hi, Bryan. Do you need a checkup today?
BRYAN: Oh yeah.
DOCTOR: Mmh, ok, then. I’m gonna need you to open up…
BRYAN: Oh, yeah.
DOCTOR: …your eye.
BRYAN: Wait, what?
DOCTOR: Just do it, Bryan.
BRYAN opens up his eyes as much as possible.
BRYAN: Ok. I’m doing it.
DOCTOR: Ooooh, that’s real nice, Bryan. You opened up real nice. Now look into this bright, bright light, Bryan.
BRYAN: Um… ok. I guess. Why do you keep saying my name like that?
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
BRYAN: Never mind.
DOCTOR: Uh oh, Bryan.
BRYAN sighs loudly.
DOCTOR: It looks like you have a premature nuclear cataract in your left eye.
BRYAN: (confused) Uuuummmm…
DOCTOR: It’s sooo big, Bryan.
BRYAN: Uh, yeah, it is. How big is it? Tell me how big it is…
DOCTOR: It’s almost 6 mm in diameter. One of the biggest I’ve ever seen!
BRYAN: Well that’s… that’s not as exciting then.
DOCTOR: It is for me, Bryan.
BRYAN: Ok, ok. Let’s just get to the good part..
DOCTOR: Oh you do? Well then, next I’m gonna tell you about penetration.
BRYAN: Oh god yes! Please!
DOCTOR: I’m gonna penetrate your cornea with a single-bevel slit knife.
DOCTOR: That’s right, nobody does it like me.
BRYAN: No, wait, what?
DOCTOR: I’m gonna poke you in the eye with a sharp stick.
BRYAN: No no no—
DOCTOR: And you’re gonna like it, Bryan.
BRYAN: I don’t think I am.
DOCTOR: Oh you are. Especially after what I do next.
BRYAN: Do I want to know? No. Do I? No. SHIT.
DOCTOR: Next, I’m gonna do phacoemulsification.
BRYAN: …It sounds sexy…
DOCTOR: Oh! Phacoemulsification is sexy, Bryan.
BRYAN: Tell me what’s sexy about it.
DOCTOR: We’re gonna get all hot and steamy. And I’m going to liquefy…
DOCTOR: The lens of your eye.
BRYAN: Son of a-
DOCTOR: And then I’m gonna shove a little tube in there and suck. It. Out. MMMMH!
BRYAN: I’m starting to have mixed feelings about this whole thing.
DOCTOR: Yeah, you’re not gonna have mixed feelings about the intraocular lens I use to replace your cataract.
BRYAN: Why’s that?
DOCTOR: Because it’s an AccusoftSoft REGAIN +3.0 D IOL from Eyecorp, the world’s most trusted maker of intraocular lens.
BRYAN: What the fuck?
DOCTOR: AccusoftSoft REGAIN +3.0 D IOLs deliver true performance at all distances, Bryan.
BRYAN: Oh my god—
DOCTOR: So remember, next time anyone you know is diagnosed with cataracts…
BRYAN: Is this whole thing an ad?
DOCTOR: Remember REGAIN. © 2013 Eyecorp.
BRYAN: Ok that’s it, I’m hanging up.
DOCTOR: Bryan, wait!
BRYAN: WHY? WHY SHOULD I WAIT?!
DOCTOR: Would you like me to transfer you to one of the other sexy girls?
BRYAN: Sexy masseuse.
The call is transferred. SHAYLA picks up on the other end. She is offstage.
SHAYLA: Hi, I’m Shayla. What’s your name?
SHAYLA: Hi, Todd. You feelin’ a little stressed today?
BRYAN: Yes. Jesus Christ, yes.
SHAYLA: Why don’t you just lie down and let me work out all that tension?
BRYAN: Uh, sounds great. So great.
SHAYLA: Oooh, Todd. I see you got a big, throbbing knot that needs my attention.
BRYAN: Oh, I sure do. Tell me about it.
SHAYLA: Mmmh, looks like it’s originating in your ocular cavity.
BRYAN: COME ON!!!
SHAYLA: Your intraocular pressure is waaaaay too high…
BRYAN: SWEET GOD NO!!!
SHAYLA: You might need an F.A.S.T. Glaucoma Filtration Device
BRYAN and SHAYLA: From Eyecorp.
BRYAN: Yeah look, I wanna talk to Brandy, now!
The call is transferred. BRANDY picks up on the other end. She is offstage.
BRANDY: This is Brandy, how may I help you?
BRYAN: Cut the crap, Brandy, I want my money back.
BRANDY: You won’t want your money back after your life is changed forever by LASIK laser vision correction with the Formwave System from Eyecorp. For only slightly more than you’re paying for this phone call, you could have perfect 20/20 vision!
BRYAN: Yes I will still want my—wait…did you say I wouldn’t need to wear glasses anymore? …‘Cause that make my dick hard.