LIGHTS UP ON A FUNK STORE. NATALIE enters STAGE RIGHT, wearing normal clothes and looking amazed. The MANAGER of the store is standing at STAGE LEFT, ready to greet all entrants. He is wearing a fairly good replica of the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and large pink sunglasses.
MANAGER: Hello, and welcome to the funk store, how can I help you?
NATALIE: Hi, I’m Natalie. I’m here for the interview.
MANAGER: Not anymore.
NATALIE: You mean I didn’t get it?
MANAGER: No, I mean your name is no longer Natalie. It is now Funky Natalie. Make sure you change your name properly as your check will be made out to you under your new name.
MANAGER: And now for orientation. Welcome to the Funk Store! (funky music riff) We purchase the funk wholesale. (funky music riff) We organize the funk. (funky music riff) And we sell the funk to the funky consumer. (funky music riff)
NATALIE: Do we make the funk?
MANAGER: No. (weak music riff) The funk is made in Taiwan. Now then, tell me about your past experience.
NATALIE: Well, I was born in Gary, Indiana.
MANAGER: Not a very funky town.
NATALIE: Michael Jackson is from there.
MANAGER: Micheal Jackson is not funky! (funky music riff) He is poppy, there’s a difference.
NATALIE: So then I went to college at Brown.
MANAGER: That’s a very funky college. Wanna know how I know? Check it!
MANAGER launches into some kinda version of Jungle Boogie, but he says “Get Brown” instead of saying “Get Down.”
NATALIE: And I got my degree in political science.
NATALIE: But then I worked at the Melting Pot for four years.
MUSIC starts again.
MANAGER: Yes! Those guys know how to run a good business. All your food is melted together into one funky brew. It’s like using Bootsy Collins’ saliva as a dipping sauce.
NATALIE: For reals!
MANAGER: Don’t say “for reals.” The Funk Gods have determined that it isn’t funky. Use the word “jeah” for extreme agreement.
MANAGER: Good. Now then, let’s see where we’ll put you today. Ok, first we’ll put you in the funky stock room. *keyboard* and next week we’ll put you on the funky cash register. *keyboard* and the week after that we’re gonna put you in the bluegrass section.
NATALIE: Why is there a bluegrass section?
MANAGER: Because my father is an asshole!
NATALIE: Alright, so I’ve got the job?
MANAGER: Not yet, funkstress! First you must learn the ten commandments of funk.
MANAGER: Commandment One: Thou shalt funk em’ just to see the look on their face. Commandment Two: Thou shalt feed the atomic dog. Commandment Three: Thou Shall not kill….The PARTAY!. Commandment Four: Thou shalt-
BANK MAN enters STAGE RIGHT. He appears slightly confused.
BANK MAN: Yes, is this the Funk Store?
MANAGER: I’m sorry, do the large pink kangaroos and the fuzzy slinkies outside not give it away? Yes, you are in the funk store.
BANK MAN: Sir, I’m here with a foreclosure notice.
MANAGER: A what? Foreclosure? That’s funked up! In a bad way! I pay you every month!
BANK MAN: Yes, well you’ve been paying us in Funky Dollars…which, if you look at it, is actually monopoly money…with your face on it…
MANAGER: Son of a funk! I guess my money isn’t good enough for the bank.
BANK MAN: No. It isn’t. But I’m willing to take a check right now if you are willing to write one.
MANAGER: Ok, fine…
Manager pulls out a large piece of fuzz.
BANK MAN: Not a funky check!
MANAGER throws the piece of fuzz as hard as he can.
MANAGER: Dammit! Natalie! Get my check book. It’s in the funky back.
NATALIE: Of the store?
NATALIE leaves to get the checkbook, leaving the MANAGER and the BANK MAN alone. The MANAGER stares at the Bank Man.
BANK MAN: This is a nice store you’ve got here. Yeah, I remember when you came in to ask for the loan. We didn’t really know what you had in mind but you just looked so cool…I mean, you didn’t talk to me directly, but-
As BANK MAN is talking, the funky keyboard (offstage) is getting louder and louder.
BANK MAN: Why is that music getting so loud?
MUSIC stops abruptly
MANAGER: BECAUSE YOU’RE BORING!
NATALIE: They said your father had it.
MANAGER: Funk this! (picks up store phone) Cletus Jones. Dr. Cletus Jones. You are needed in the funky foyer. *hangs up* Anyways, Unfunky Bank Man, meet Funky Natalie, my newest employee.
BANK MAN tries to shake NATALIE’S hand, but manager stops it.
MANAGER: Get back! You might infect her with your unfunkiness. She’ll end up investing in stocks and driving a Prius. Just stay back!
CLETUS enters, with the checkbook, and chewing on straw. He wears overalls and talks in a southern accent. CLETUS and MANAGER stare at each other for a long time.
MANAGER: Dad, why do you have my checkbook?
CLETUS: Had ta buy…something…in bulk.
MANAGER: Oh my George Clinton! What did you buy?
CLETUS: Did ya know that Bruce Hornsby and Ricky Skaggs came out with a bluegrass version of “Super Freak?”
MANAGER: Give me that checkbook and get outta here!
MANAGER snatches the check away from CLETUS and shoos him away. He then angrily writes the check.
MANAGER: To: The bank…two thousand…regular dollars…signed: Magic Juan.
BANK MAN: Thank you, sir.
The BANK MAN opens his briefcase, and several funky objects come out (such as a cane where the handle is a stork’s head, a lava-lamp key-chain, etc).
MANAGER: What the hell is this?
BANK MAN: Oh! I was just interested in some of your funk is all. How much for this?
MANAGER chases BANK MAN off STAGE RIGHT.
MANAGER: Get outta here! You can’t keep funk in a briefcase! That’s where funk dies!!