LIGHTS UP on a coffee shop. FRANK and ALICE sit at a table CENTER stage, and are surrounded by SHIRT HIPSTER, ART HIPSTER, MUSIC HIPSTER, and COLLEGE HIPSTER, all standing up and drinking coffee out of giant mugs. One of them is wearinga shirt that says “Mondays? More like FUNDAYS” on it. They all talk with an upward inflection.
SHIRT HIPSTER: Do you like this shirt? I found it under a dumpster and knew I had to keep it? Is it funny? You’re so stupid if you think it’s funny.
ART HIPSTER: I mean, I’m a writer, but see, I write the words using a paintbrush on a canvas, so I’m like an artist…but with words.
FRANK: Why the fuck do we keep coming to this place, Alice? We could just as easily go to Starbucks. It’s cheaper and we don’t have to worry about this Hipster crap!
ALICE: Come on, Frank. You need to support local businesses more. I think the Hipster trend is on the way out, anyways.
FRANK: How could a trend be on the way out if the whole trend depends on being as trendy as possible?
ALICE: Because there’s an even trendier trend than the trend that’s out now.
FRANK: Oh really? And what’s that?
ALICE: The trend of the Zipster.
FRANK: …so not Hipster, but “Zipster?”
ALICE: That’s right.
FRANK: But what the hell is a Zipster?
ALICE: You know how Hipster was kind of hard to define and you had to see it for yourself? Same thing with Zipsters.
FRANK: Whatever, you’re full of shit. Zipsters probably won’t even catch on-
As Frank finishes his sentence, a ZIPSTER enters STAGE LEFT. Kicking in the door of the coffee shop. He is dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, which is completely adorned with zippers. His hair is slicked back and he is carrying a switchblade. SHIRT HIPSTER approaches him.
SHIRT HIPSTER: Wow, that jacket is so retro. Hey, check out my shirt.
ZIPSTER: Nice shirt, ya jagoff. I’m gonna laugh at it ironically. Ha ha ha.
MUSIC HIPSTER: You know, you actually look like one of the band members from “Zingo Jelly.” Have you heard of that band?
ZIPSTER: I sure have, ya jamoke. Their song “Cut The Umbilical” was my “pick-a-da-month” on my blog. Have you heard of the band “Lager and Eggs?” You probably haven’t.
MUSIC HIPSTER: Y-Yes I have!
ZIPSTER: What was there number on hit on the UK indie charts back in 2004, you’re-so-smart?
MUSIC HIPSTER: I…I don’t…I don’t know.
ZIPSTER: Well, now I gotta cut ya.
ZIPSTER slices the face of MUSIC HIPSTER with the SWITCHBLADE. He covers his face and quickly runs out of the coffee shop.
FRANK: Wow, that’s more like it.
ALICE: Told ya!
ART HIPSTER: Hey! You can’t do that to him!
COLLEGE HIPSTER: But did he really do anything at all? One of Zeno’s paradoxes stipulate that an arrow, even when flying towards a target, is never really moving at all, since-
ZIPSTER: -Since when you break down the time the arrow is only flying within individual moments, that the arrow is at rest all of those moments thus never moves at all?
As the ZIPSTER is talking, he swaggers up to the COLLEGE HIPSTER, brandishing his blade.
ZIPSTER (CONT’D): That’s some good college talkin’ there, ya mug. What’s your majah?
COLLEGE HIPSTER: Ph-Philisophy
ZIPSTER: Heh, that’s not even my majah. I’m doin’ English. With a minah in Women’s Studies. Now get the fuck outta ‘ere!
ZIPSTER whaps COLLEGE HIPSTER on the back of the head and pushes him out of the coffee shop.
ZIPSTER turns his attention to FRANK.
ZIPSTER: And what ah you lookin’ at, company man?
FRANK: Oh! N-nothing.
ZIPSTER: Oh, so now I’m nothin’?
FRANK: N-no…that’s not what I said.
ZIPSTER: That’s good, cause’ let me tell ya somthin’, ya mainstream butt-scratchah…
ZIPSTER leans on the table, getting right in Frank’s face.
ZIPSTER (CONT’D): I’m better than you ah. And I’m not gonna hide it like these othah pussies in here. I’m gonna rub it all over ya face. Ya seen “Eraserhead?”
ZIPSTER: Ya seen Fellini’s “8 and 1/2?”
ZIPSTER: Ya seen the never-before released Fellini-made sequel to “8 and 1/2/?” It was called “Numbers Don’t Make Good Titles” and it ends with a swan riding a rhinocerous, and once you see that image, the whole preceeding movie makes sense.
FRANK: I-I never saw it.
A tense moment. The ZIPSTER’S face is a mere inch away from FRANK’S.
ZIPSTER: Now get outta my coffee shop.
FRANK gets up to go.
FRANK: Alice, are you coming?
ALICE: No, I’m going to have sex with him.
FRANK: Nice knowing you.
FRANK rushes out of the coffee shop.
ZIPSTER: Alright, I’m the new boss around here. Barkeep, put a silent film on the TV, but make sure the volume is all the way down because I don’t wanna hear nuthin’ but Bon Iver and Iron and Wine for the next eight hours…