**TRANSMISSION RECEIVED 06/27/34 – TRANSCRIPTION FOLLOWS**
(“Hung Up on My Baby” – Issac Hayes)
Alright, all my survivin’ ladies and gents, we’re back on the Greg show, and that was “Hung up on My Baby,” by the great Issac Hayes. A great song if I ever heard one, and I’ve heard em’ all, baby. Well, we’re in the middle of yet another episode of the Greg show, and I guess if you’re tunin’ in and listening then you’re still alive. Let me be the first to congratulate you on surviving this long…and owning a CB radio, apparently, cause’ how else would you be listening, right? So, ladies and gents, it’s a very special episode of the Greg show tonight; it’s a bit of a tribute show, really. I’m gonna take some time here to talk about a real badass dude. One of the bravest son of a bitches I ever knew. A dude by the name of Johnny.
If this is your first time tunin’ in, then you don’t know, but Johnny was my roommate. We was my roommate before the war too. Yeah, we heard that they took out New York and then we ran down to the basement, and hadn’t come out since. I guess that was about, what? Ten days ago? Wow, so this is the tenth episode of the Greg show, how bout’ that? I know we got off to a rough start there at first. I was a pretty boring host, saying things like “Is anyone out there?” and “Please help if you can hear me!” But after a while I got a lot more comfortable, didn’t I, ladies and gents?
Anyways, back to Johnny, we were roommates up above and we were roommates down here. And he was a good guy up above and he was a good guy down here. There was a just a problem that came up. Something that neither of us really liked to talk about, but maybe we should have as it would’ve saved us both a lot of heartache.
That first night here in the basement was really bad. We just started talking to each other to drown out the sounds of the bombs dropping from overhead. We talked about a lot of things that night, really shared with each other. It was the first time I was able to tell another guy that…that I had started to cry during the movie “Dying Young.” Well, actually, it wasn’t during the movie, it was during a preview for the movie. I mean, when I found out that he was dying, AND that he was young…I just started to tear up, it was really shameful and it was a load off my mind to share that with somebody. But ol’ Johnny crossed the line, ladies and gents. He looked me square in the eye, and he told me something that I’ll never forget. You see, he told me that he was a Scientologist.
So I had to eat him.
Well, alright, I didn’t HAVE to eat anybody, I know. But I had to live with that information for ten days. For TEN days I had to watch this man go through his “rituals.” I had to listen to him talking about his state of clean and his operating thetan levels. Ten days of this stuff that, now that we were stuck together, he wasn’t ashamed of anymore. I guess he thought it would help him get through this crisis. And I just let it build up inside me this whole time. And then I just-
Look, I need to explain something. I need to explain why this country fell apart. It’s because people that this country is a melting pot. You think that you come to this land and your ideology will be accepted, but there’s no melting pot. There’s only a Terradome. Two Ideologies enter, and one leaves. Starring Tina Turner. ON the flipside, you know what made this country great? That once, a long time ago, people were willing to die for their beliefs. And that was Johnny. I looked him right in the face this morning and I said “Johnny…I wanna tell you the story…about how I raped L. Ron Hubbard. Yes, Johnny, I came inside of him without his permission.” And then things got out of hand.
I mean, I shouldn’t have said it, and I shouldn’t have tackled him after he hit me, and I shouldn’t have pelted him with the full cans of beans. And I shouldn’t have crushed his skull with the record player. You know, I don’t wanna get off-topic here, but I’m really surprised that this thing still works. I thought there’d be some background noise at least, but it’s acting pretty fine still. So I cut him up and I roasted his leg over a makeshift fire and I ate it an hour ago and that’s the story of Johnny the badass scientologist. He was a good man, and I loved him. He was what was great about this country and he was what was shitty about this country all rolled up into one. And now he’s inside me. With my permission.
But I’ve been rambling too much. Alright, back to the music, comin’ up we’ve got some Issac Hayes but right now we’ve got some Issac Hayes, with “Hung Up on my Baby.” Comin’ back at cha’ with the Greg show. Please stay with us.
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