LIGHTS UP on two chairs next to each other, much like a car. BRYAN sits in the driver’s seat and MEREDITH sits in the passenger’s seat.
BRYAN: Look, I just don’t know if it’s that good of a gift. I mean, we already have a perfectly good GPS, and she knew that.
MEREDITH: Um, our GPS is not perfectly good. Plus, she probably just forgot. She’s my mom, dude. Just let it be.
BRYAN: Alright, plug it in. But this GPS had better be just…awesome. I should get home like, thirty minutes faster.
MEREDITH: Ah, from where? the job that you don’t have?
BRYAN: From here!!
MEREDITH plugs in the GPS and turns it on.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Oh hey, hon! How is everything? So where we going today?
BRYAN: (to MEREDITH) Why does the GPS sound like your mom? Exactly like your mom?
MEREDITH: It’s her…that’s why she gave it to us! She wants us to hear her voice in the car all the time! Like that’s normal.
BRYAN: (sarcastically) Yeah, that’s perfectly normal and not insane.
MEREDITH: (completely serious) No, it IS insane, Bryan. It’s totally NOT normal AND insane!
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Excuse me! Excuse me! I asked you a question.
MEREDITH: We’d like to get to our home in Austin. I’ll type in the address (types in address).
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Alright. And where are you now?
BRYAN: You…you don’t know where we are now?
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Oh, I’m just making conversation.
BRYAN: Okay, so we’re in Dallas.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Sounds super. Start the car.
BRYAN: It’s already started.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Oh good! Now everybody put your seat belts on. No one is going anywhere until we put our seat belts on.
BRYAN and MEREDITH put on their seatbelts.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Alright now look both ways really good. Now go…uh…oh Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus ohhhhhh Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus…okay straight ahead.
BRYAN: (sarcastically) We’re off to a good start.
MEREDITH: How is this a good start?
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus ohhhhhhh Jesus Jesus Jesus. I think we are going to take a…right…up here. I don’t like making left turns and will avoid them whenever I can…but stop before you get to the-STOP! STOP!
BRYAN: Alright! I stopped. Twenty feet away from the stop sign.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Ok, now make a right when you’re ready. Oh look at all these cars going by. Hey you in the blue car! Slow down, Jack! Okay, turning right, turning right. Ohhhh Jesus Jesus Jesus ohhhhh Jesus Jesus Jesus. Okay, now what? Ohhhh my. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my. Meredith, I don’t know where I am! I don’t know where I am! There are lights…there are lights…I’ve-I’m facing…away from the highway. Ohhhh, this guy is on my butt. He’s on my butt! I can’t take this anymore, take a right right…take a right. What are you doing? Oh, I’m sorry hon, I didn’t see the stop sign. Good girl.
BRYAN: I’m a man!
BRYAN swiftly turns the car to the right.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): (gasps) That was close! Oh, there’s a parking lot. Thank God! Thank you God! You know, Hey hon, maybe we should stop and ask for directions.
BRYAN: In a parking lot?
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Sure!
BRYAN: Do you know what a GPS is?
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Um…a God…Preservation…System?
BRYAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Exactly! Oh, oh Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus. You’re tail-gaiting.
BRYAN: No I’m not.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): You are on his butt!
BRYAN: He’s fifty feet away!
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): YOU ARE ON HIS BUTT! You know what? Turn right here. Use your blinker. Use it.
BRYAN: No one is seeing the blinker.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): I see it. I’m seeing it
BRYAN: From space?
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): From space. Be a smart alec. Be a wisecracker. You gonna be rude to me now? I’m helping you? I’m giving you life, I’m saving your life. Hello? Hello? Don’t pretend you can’t hear me. I CAN TURN IT UP, YOU KNOW. I CAN TURN IT UP. THE VOLUME WILL GET AS LOUD AS YOU LET IT GET SO-
BRYAN: Alright! Alright! I’m here.
MOM GPS (OFFSTAGE): Ok, turn right here. Very nice. That’s good. Wow, this all looks really familiar. Oh, this is strange. Pull over…pull over…hmmm, you know what? This is gonna sound so silly-
BRYAN immediately turns the car off.
BRYAN: (sarcastically) We’re back in front of your mom’s house! This is just the greatest gift of all time.
MEREDITH: What’s wrong with you, Bryan! It’s a terrible gift!
BRYAN: …did you just forget that sarcasm exists? That sarcasm is a thing and people use it?
MEREDITH: I’m upset! It’s hard for me to read people when I’m upset!
BRYAN: We’re throwing this out and using the GPS my dad gave me.
MEREDITH: Oh please…please no.
As MEREDITH pleads, BRYAN replaces MEREDITH’S GPS with his own. He turns the car on.
DAD GPS: Yello?
BRYAN: Hey, we need to get back to Austin.
DAD GPS (OFFSTAGE): You hos don’t know how to get back to Austin on your own?
BRYAN: We just need directions.
DAD GPS (OFFSTAGE): What a couple of hos. Alright, get in the car.
MEREDITH: We are in the car!
DAD GPS (OFFSTAGE): What? Are you sure? Ok. Did you take a crap? Hey, make sure you take a crap before you go. I don’t wanna pull over later.
MEREDITH: I’m fine!
DAD GPS: What?
MEREDITH: I’m fine!
DAD GPS (OFFSTAGE): Huh?
DAD GPS (OFFSTAGE): Guh?
BRYAN: What a great man.